wriiten by Michael Stebing
Story by Grant Evans
Michael is sitting on a sofa with a beautiful young lady, he looks in her eyes. She looks back at him.
Victoria
Um… are you going to kiss me or not?
Michael
Oh yeah, well I was just looking in those beautiful eyes of yours and..
Victoria
Michael!
Michael
Yes?
Victoria
Just kiss me!
Michael
….oh yeah, of course!
Michael goes to kiss Victoria. Suddenly, Grant comes running in. Victoria moves away from Michael.
Victoria
Maybe this isn’t the time…
Michael
Grant! Get the hell out of here!
Victoria
No really, I think I must go!
Michael
Rachel, please!
Victoria
My name’s Victoria!
Michael
I was just testing you! Come back Vicky, can I call you Vicky?
Victoria
No!
Victoria slams door and exits
Michael
GRANT!
Grant
MICHAEL!
Michael
Can you be serious for five minutes? That girl Rachel was like a fish…
Grant
….Victoria?
Michael
That girl Victoria?
Grant
Yeah.
Michael
She was like a fish, and I was like a fisherman and I had her on the line pulling her in ( Pull jester) and she was tugging you see. And I had her the fish was in sight, and then you came in with big scissors see and snap the fish right off the line.
Grant
What are you talking about, mate? We never went fishing! (Sarcastic) See what I did there?
Michael
Shut up Grant!
Grant
Well forget abou that, you will never guess what just happened to me?
Michael
What?
Grant
I was in my car and driving down the road (Steering jester)
Michael mimics jester
Grant
So all of a sudden I got a call on my phone, and I pick up the phone and answer it! And next thing I know ive hit two mail boxes!
Michael
Well who was it?
Grant
Why does it matter?
Michael
Well I like detail Grant don’t you see?
Grant
I just hit two mailboxes and you want to know who called me!
Michael
I know you’re a lowsey driver, but I don’t know who was on the other line. Who was it?
Grant
It was a job interview.
Michael
Well did you get it?
Grant
Does it matter? I just hit mailboxes!
Michael
Yes, I would like to know.
Grant
Well when I tell you who’s mailbox I hit it wont matter who was on the other line!
Michael
I don’t get it?
Grant
I hit your mailbox you idiot!
END OF SCENE
THEME SONG
SCENE II
Michael and Grant are beetboxing in the car. The next shot is a girl in the backseat.
Morgan
Is this really a way to take a girl on a date?
Michael
What’s wrong with our beatboxing?
Grant
Their ant nothing wrong our uber beats.
Morgan
It’s not that your just so bland! Almost as bland as that one cartoon character.
Clip of a really poorly drawn character, with a song in the background.
Bland Boy
Hi Patty!
Back to scene
Morgan
Just let me out of the car!
Michael
Why?
Morgan
Michael, it’s over!
Michael
But it never even started!
Morgan
Sure it did you picked me up I got in the car, and we drove away.
Michael
Morgan that’s hardly a…
Morgan
LET ME OUT!
Grant pulls over
Morgan
Thank you Grant (Quiet)
Grant
Ya no problem dude.
Morgan gets out.
Morgan
Ill call you later…..
Michael
K
Morgan
Grant
Michael
What was up with that?
Grant
What do you mean?
Michael
You were totally hitting on my girl!
Grant
No I wasn’t! I barley even talked to her.
Michael
No, you totally were hitting on her. Why do all the girls come to you but not me?
Grant
I don’t know dude, I don’t want a girlfriend ill never find a girlfriend like (Suddenly a car honks so you don’t hear the name)
Michael
Oh man seriously! (Honk) has nothing to do with you picking up my women!
Grant
Your women! Your women, they were hardly your women!
Michael
She was my women! Now pull over.
Grant
Im in the garage dude!
Michael
Oh sorry man.
The boys get out of the car.
END OF SCENE
SCENE III
Grant and Michael are sitting on the couch. Grant is turning the channel. The TV is never seen.
Michael
Will you stop flipping!
Grant
There’s nothing on dude!
Michael
Then why are you flipping?
Grant
To find something.
Michael
How the hell are you expecting to find something in nothing, if their was something in nothing, then they wouldn’t call it something now would they?
Grant
Ah!
Michael
Here give me the selector.
Grant
No dude it’s my TV!
Michael
Give it to me!
The boys fight over the changer when the phone begins to ring. Grant jesters Michael to back up. Michael does. Grant sets the changer down. Grant answers the phone.
Grant
Hello?
Michael runs for the channel changer. Grant drops the phone and does the same.
Michael wins the fight and Grant goes back to the phone.
Grant
Oh hi Morgan!
Michael drops the remote and runs over to Grant
Michael
It’s Morgan, what is she saying! Does she want me? Of corse she wants me she’s a women! Im god’s gift to women!
Grant
Ah huh, well I think you would like him, please, ok, well tonight at seven it is!
Michael
Tonight at seven! Tonight at seven! What the hell is tonight at seven?
Grant
Well by Morgan.
Grant hangs up the phone
Michael
How can you be going out with Morgan? How can you betray me! Ever since you broke up with (Honk) you don’t even want to date. You idiot you demon! You betrator!
Grant
Chill dude, im setting you up Morgan! A second date!
Michael
You saint, you hero, you man , Matt Mahon.
Matt Mahon walks in
Matt
Hey what’s going guys?
Michael
This saint of a Grant over here just set me up with a total babe!
Matt
Who?
Michael
Morgan
Matt
I thought you had a date with her?
Michael
I did you see until we got out of her driveway!
Matt
What happened?
Michael
No time for this! I have a date to get ready for! Where is it?
Grant
Here, right in this very house!
Michael
Why here?
Grant
Well you see how far it got the last time we tried to go somewhere!
Michael
Yes I see, time to get ready. I have to put on my finest cologne
Grant
Ill set up!
Michael
Why set up?
Grant
To get the romantic atmosphere going.
Michael
Grant you’re a genus
Grant
Tell me something I don’t know!
Grant and Michael exit Matt Mahon is left alone.
Matt
Michael, Grant! Where did everyone go? Guys
END OF SCENE
SCENE IV
Michael is setting a table. Awaiting Morgan’s entrance. The doorbell rings
Michael sits down at the table in the middle of the living room. A fake candle is on the table.
Grant enters and brings in Morgan. The seats her down at the table.
Morgan
(Awkwardly) Michael
Michael
(Awkwardly) Morgan
Grant is in a suit and tie and bring the appetizers
Grant
Your appetizers, fine people.
Grant exits Michael takes a piece of calamari, chews it loudly. Morgan takes a piece and places it in her mouth and chews.
Michael
So how’s life been without me?
Morgan
Fantastic!
VO in Morgan’s head
Shit! I hope he doesn’t relies I still want him!
Morgan
What about you? How’s life been without me?
Michael
Pretty freaking amazing!
VO in Michael’s head
Shit! I hope she doesn’t realize I still want her!
There’s an awkward silence
Some time passes. Michael gets impatient waiting for his food.
Michael
What’s taking that Grant so long?! I’ll be right back.
Michael runs up the stairs and slips. As he gets up, he notices Grant. He takes the food from Grant. Michael proceeds to run down the stairs. Michael knocks the table down accidently. Michael sets the table back up. Michael and Morgan proceed to eating. Grant starts to sing French very badly.
Grant (singing in French voice)
Lashmere lawet do soo. Men sweat. Ho lah da va men’s sweat. (Improve)
Grant stops singing and starts exiting. Just then Morgan’s face becomes red with dots
Michael
Oh my god! Your face Morgan! It’s hideous!
Morgan
Very funny, Michael. See this is why I didn’t want to go out with you in the first place. Jokes like this!
Michael
No really Morgan, your face! It’s breaking out in hives!
Morgan
No way! No way! Grant did you make sea food?
Grant
Ya, the appetizer! It was calamari!
Morgan
Michael, Grant! This isn’t good sometimes when I have seafood I passo…
Morgan passes out on the floor
Michael
Oh no! Oh shit! We have a dead girl!
Grant
She’s not dead dude she’s just passed out!
Michael
What do we do man?! What do we do?!
Grant
Get some water! Get some water!
Michael
Why water?
Grant
Not now you fool, questions are for later when we don’t have a passed out girl on the floor.
Michael runs to the bathroom and grabs a bucket of water and hands it to Grant. Grant then pours it on Morgan. She dosnt react.
Michael
What are you doing man? How the hell was that supposed to help?
Grant
I thought it would wake her up! I don’t know dude, I saw it in television show once.
Michael
You don’t understand this isn’t a television show this is real!
Grant
Or is it! (looking right at the camera)
Michael
Grant this is serious! I know what to do ill do the Heimlich Maneuver.
Michael pushes up and down on Morgan’s stomach.
Grant
What the hell are you doing? This has to be the stupidest idea I have ever heard of! How can pushing up and down on someone stomach really help?
Suddenly Morgan wakes up!
Grant
You’re a genious, a genus!
Morgan then falls back into a deep sleep.
Grant
What an idiot! What a stupid idiot!
Michael
Were going to have to take the girl to the hospital!
Grant
How the hell do we do that?
Michael
You grab her arms ill take the legs well take her in the car to the hospital!
Grant and Michael pick her up and start to take her up the stairs on the first step the drop her. Then pick her back up. Then pick her up and drop her agai. As they drop her the second time she wakes up.
Grant
Why didn’t I think of that? A bang on the head! That’s a way to wake up any girl!
Morgan slowly wakes up.
Morgan
Michael? Grant? Where am I?
Michael
Why, your in Grants basement I just saved you from a bad case of hives!
Morgan
My hero!
Morgan hugs Michael and Grant shakes his head
END OF SCENE
SCENE V
Michael and Grant are sitting down talking
Michael
So I guess im going out with her now.
Grant
Relationships they are never worth it!
Michael
Come on Grant you need to get over (honk), there are other fish in the sea!
Grant
I don’t know ever since I broke up with (honk) all girls have just been, well bland
Michael
Get over it! You know what Grant you helped me and now im going to help you!
Grant
Listen Michael I don’t want your help. When im ready to find women ill find a women!
Michael
I know the perfect girl. Her name is Swift!
Grant
What kind of name is swift?
Michael
A fricken awesome name!
Grant
Well I guess you would never get beat up on the playground with a name like Swift!
Michael
What the hell is that suposted to mean?
Grant
Well it’s an awesome name, who would want to mess with a girl named swift?
Michael
Good point! Ill set it up for tomorrow night!
Grant
Michael I don’t think I’m ready for a girl yet! What if (honk) found out!
Michael
All you have to do is talk to her there’s nothing wrong with talking, its when you get physical when the problem come.
Grant
Get physical?
Michael
Ya like if you touched her boobies!
Grant
Touch her boobies! You have to be the most immature person I know!
Michael
You know you want to!
Grant
Want to what?
Michael
Get physical! Touch her boobies!
Grant
I don’t even know this swift girl!
Michael
But you will if you touch her boobies!
Grant
You know you’re a little pervert!
Michael
So ill set it up for tomorrow, ill invite Morgan it can be a double date!
Grant
I guess ill do it but no promises!
Michael
I guess you don’t have to touch her boobies if you don’t want to!
Grant
Shut up Michael!
Scene 6
Grant and Michael are sitting at a table and are waiting for the girls to show up.
The door bell rings and Michael goes up the stairs and gets the girls.
Morgan
Hello Michael!
Michael (deep voice)
Hello Morgan.
Swift walks down the stairs it is apparent that she is a pregnant girl.
Michael
Oh, hello you must be swift?
Swift
Yes, you must be Michael and Grant!
Grant
Why don’t you ladys sit down, Michael can you help me bring in the appetizers.
Michael
Ya, of coarse Grant!
Grant and Michael enters the kitchen and Grant seems very angry.
Michael
What’s wrong man?